Pre Oscars Fashion Breakdown

So, aspirational fashion magnets of the world – unite with me on this the eve, THE EVE !!!! Of the 88th Oscars as we prepare to see who wore what, wore when and got wore out traipsing up the red carpet one way and back down it going home trying to avoid this years “backstage coverage” because you’ve had one too many Babycham and cokes.

I am literally just TOO excited to see what the luvvies of the other La La Land will grace the presence of our screens with on Sunday night as the thrills and spills of the ONLY red carpet show in town are beamed live into our living rooms this year.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am expecting to see during this Oscars programme and I have to be honest, I feel like it is going to be a subdued affair. So far everyone is going Revenant (read: DiCaprio) crazy, which has perhaps taken a shine off of some of the other nominees however where there is Goliath, there is David and where we have Leo Dicaprio schmoozing down the carpet unshaven, in a dragon quilted navy blue smoking jacket (Baftas 2016), with his mum on his arm because he is unable to settle upon an actual proper mate; we have the gorgeous Bryan Cranston chic-ing his way around in a sexy velvet tux looking every inch the old school Hollywood movie star and showing us exactly what Dax pomade was actually made for.

So what; red-carpet aficionados, are we really likely to see? I think unexceptional… perhaps you won’t. Let’s look at some of the presenters and nominees back at the Oscars 2016 Luncheon and let the force of their habitual sartorial selections be our guide.

First up the, (god forgive me) carved-from-a-block-of-cheddar, Jennifer Lawrence. Her red carpet choices leave me as cold as a chunk of ice being chiseled by Van Damme in a beer advert, and judging from the circa early 90’s black boot-cut black (yes… black) trouser suit with perfect sweetheart neckline and belted waist that she wore to the luncheon, we aren’t going to be blown away by whatever she puts on for the ceremony. If I were her stylist, and she was as boring in real-life as I fear she might be, I would put her in something classic and chic and unusual (dark taupe cigarette pants and a cut glass white shirt), with heart-stopping jewels and I would have her hair put in a beautiful french pleat and dye it something other than Cathedral City yellow.

Next I’m taking you from abuse to love. Kerry Washington will be there on the red carpet this year and her fashion choices rarely disappoint, even if they never actually set me on fire. I expect satin, sexy and chic. She does it quite well, so lets see what she brings to the melee.

Now, theres no avoiding her so I’ll just make it as painless as possible, Lady Gaga. She has embraced hollywood glamour of late, but the comparisons to Marilyn Monroe (yeah, I wish Manson too), just leave her looking like the last one in the race each time. That being said, she is obviously loving her new found celluloid fame so this year expect her to wear something eye catching, brave and beautiful, if nothing else. Her hair choices are a bit naff it has to be said and at this year’s nominee lunch, she wore a weird looking middle parting Little House on the Prairie up/down do with her beige halter dress that basically made her look a bit like a wax candle. However she champions self-love and body awareness so for that she gets my vote.

Saoirse Ronan, our lovely little Irish Shillelagh, has good intentions bless her, I liked the wee checkered shorts suit that she wore to the luncheon, although suit jackets with open toed shoes make me bristle a bit. She normally makes some mildly brave sartorial choices but it really is 50/50 with this girl as to whether they work or not. I predict something unusual, not especially flattering and worn with that strange, slightly panicked look that she always has that makes it seem as if she just wandered into the wrong room by accident. People love you Saiorse. Own it. Add confidence to whatever you wear and it will be a different story.

Sexpot Syndrome. Rachel McAdams arrived at the lunch in a peach twinkly boucle shift and obligatory nude stilettos *keels over*. This girl is my hot tip. She oozes the self confidence of a woman who once romanced Ryan Gosling (who wouldn’t). She’ll look amazing, belt buckles will snap and husband’s eyes will rove as this lady struts out on Sunday night. I foresee some sheer element and some wicked jewels. She sits nicely in a box with the (could it be I’m falling in love) Dakota Johnson. This woman is intrinsic sex-on-a-stick, I swear to you. She will likely be wearing a solid colour, something body skimming but not painted-on, and will saunter around displaying a devastatingly toned limb with all the might of a narcissistic peacock and so she damn well should I say.

Then we have Jennifer Jason Leigh, who at the lunch sported a geranium pink belted shift that looked uninspiringly like Roland Mouret. She killed her performance in Single White Female as creepy Hedra back in 1992, but this nomination has her thrust into the limelight again. She will be wearing colour; I expect, as brunettes can take a bright splash of it quite nicely but I think all eyes will be on her FACE! Oh my goodness what has she done to her fucking mush? Whatever it is; it has made it look alarmingly like a cookie. Hopefully her amended visage was pre-emptive of her Oscars appearance and it will have settled by the time we see her on the carpet.

Risk taker Rooney Mara went to lunch in a white embroidered (too big) long-sleeved shift… and open toed shoes again. Are these stylists actually getting paid?! Closed shoulder = closed shoe, open shoulder = open shoe. Easy really. I generally love her fashion choices and I expect something ethereal and elf-like, this is a look that works for her so I don’t envisage an outfit too far removed from her ‘go to’ guise, but hey, if it ain’t broke…

Hannah Bagshawe “wife extraordinaire” of nominee Eddie Redmayne is a funny one. She clings to her husband like a little limpet on a rock in a storm and given that; we know that she will be front and centre stage this year before the plethora of paparazzi. At the luncheon I missed the major crux of her outfit because she wore unbrushed hair and no make up, as she often does on the red carpet. On the rare occasion that she actually bothers to put some effort into her personal primping she really is rather lovely, but otherwise just manages to make whatever she wears look like it was from Miss Selfridge. The weird over-attachment to Eddie also makes me kind of nervous. I expect some element of matchy-matchy with young Ed because she always seems to want to let people know that “he is with ME”, but her fashion choice (as long as its not boring Burberry) could be a good one.

Last but not least, I’m leaving on the next plane out and I’m everything I am because she loved me, Dianne Warren. The. Woman. Is. A. Legend.

Trousers. Tuxedo Jacket. Rockstar T-shirt. Boots from Superdry. It’s a kind of heinous choice but it’s her uniform. Whatever we think about repeat style choices, they work – Elton John’s overly long shirts excepted. I hope that DW does turn up in her go-to getup because frankly, if she hits that carpet in an outfit by any other name people wont know it’s her unless Lady Gaga stands with her for the entire evening and lets face it, who wants Gaga hanging on to you all night like a demented Hannah Bagshawe cling-a-like when you’re trying to work a room full of golden statuettes?

I will be live blogging and live tweeting for you La La Film fans on the night for this 88th Annual Oscars 2016.

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