Oscars 2016 Red Carpet Review

Good morning film and fashion lovers of the world!

So the Oscars 2016 red carpet event of the year has come and gone much like the middle of Heidi Klum’s purple monstrosity dress and as we sit back and take stock of the winners, losers and downright fashion foolishness that can befall such an affair; let us just remember for a moment how incredibly difficult the decision making process of what to wear must actually be like for those involved.

The primping, the preening. The whole world is watching you. I am glad that I’m not the one being reviewed, let’s just say that shall we. Without further ado, here is what went down…

First up was Jennifer Jason Leigh a in pink bridesmaid skirt and bustier combo, that looked like it had a baby bib detail spilling roses on the carpet. Detracted from by the odd scarred, brown and white mottled forehead. Why? I genuinely don’t want to be horrible but why do these poor women mess with their faces like that? She looked uncomfortable.

A big winner for me was Joy Mangano (#therealjoy started trending) as she arrived early on in a gorgeous cream Cristian Siriano halter column with attached pearl neck choker. Classy.

Whoopi Goldberg arrived looking suspiciously like Busta Rhymes in a floor length black taffeta gown with an odd chitty chitty bang bang shoulder detail, but we love her so we forgive her slightly outre fashion sense. One thing I didn’t like though was the spooky dragon chest tattoo (and I’m partial to a bit of ink). I’d have gone for a lovely swingy, heavy crepe trouser set for her. Next year she should let me dress her.

Patricia Arquette looked elegant in a perfectly fitted navy Blue Marina Rinaldi shift column dress…. do you see a pattern emerging here?

Honestly I didn’t really like Isla Fischer’s Westwood-esque white floral boned frock, but it fitted well and I was more distracted by her husband who (thankfully) wore a proper suit and had a shave before coming to this years Academy Awards.

Charlotte Rampling’s graphic heavy silk crepe printed long sleeved #columnshift (lets trend it, okay?) looked fab, but the lilac shoes looked as though they belonged with Klum’s ill-advised get-up.

Hannah “Limpet” Bagshawe didn’t do her hair or make up as I correctly predicted which is probably why PR shy Eddie Redmayne ran her straight down the fast lane, avoiding interviews this year before anyone could get a picture.

Dianne Warren wore the rockstar uniform that I anticipated, less the printed tee-shirt but she stuck to her go to outfit and for that I applaud myself. I am a fashion red carpet prediction queen it seems.

Jennifer Lawrence wore a feather hemmed black lace, with sheer nude underlay dress. That is literally it. Hair in a middle parted bob (middle partings were de rigeur this year), and still looking disturbingly like a block of fromage. No spangle, no fizz, no life!

Gaga wore a simply imagined heavy gown – cum – trouser suit that was parted in the middle much like everyone else’s hair but it actually looked pretty good. A fun dinosaur diamond clutch in sparkly  green would have made a cute, fun and irreverent accompaniment. Maybe her performance outfit will cover that base.

Otherwise we saw a plethora of longline column shifts, sequinned and in delicious dark peacocky, oil-slicked colours from the likes of Naomi Watts, Robin Roberts, Rosuhmba Wililams and Dianne Mizotta. Fun and engaging and nice, but all very subdued still.

Alicia Vikander asked Louis Vuitton to custom make her a gown not unlike that of Belle from Beauty and the Beast that she loved as a child and they succeeded. In making her look like a child. Yellow and Saccharine with an ugly hem; basically sweet but boring.

“Worth-a-Mentions” go to the sexy Common, who rocked up in an all creamy white tux (no the irony wasn’t lost on me either), Rooney Mara who was INCREDIBLE in a gorgeous Givenchy cream lace peek-a-boo subtly sexy long sleeved gown. Soairse Ronan in a hot emerald green sequinned sexpot dress that wouldn’t have looked out of place on Dakota Johnson – which she owned – but still looked a tiny bit like she was about to run away in. Good effort though girl.

Olivia Wilde in white again wore a concertina pleated conception and Sissy Spaceck was a wicked surprise for me in her “popped collar” black tux, loosely pinned chignon, sunglasses and insouciant look. Last but not least the perfectly kempt Jennifer Garner. She and her dimples look like they belong to an era where she would be vying for space on the red carpet with Ava Gardner. She has a body to die for and class that just exudes from every pore and sadly eludes some of the younger charges (JLaw)…

The award for best dressed on the red carpet this year from me goes to:

Jennifer garner. Oscars glamour as it should be done.


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